you could never go where I couldn't follow...

音樂仍然持續響著。
絕大部份的時間裡，我只與自己的音樂對話。

近期我的TOP 5樂團是這樣的︰
1.Hope Of The States
（有時候，竟以為聽著他們的時候才是被瞭解的了）
2.The Dears
（那樣的溫度剛剛好）
3.Editors
（沒有巧合只有命運）
4.The Libertines/Babyshambles
（最熟悉的總是最充滿安慰的）
5.The Velvet Teen
（像是他們與你擁有某一些同樣的祕密）







似乎許多以前不懂的歌，加入大量的自我投射之後，全都接二連三地出現了足以賦予關連意義的過度詮釋；希望之國在歌裡藏匿著最巨型的恐懼，再以一種強迫偽裝堅強的姿態爆發出來，我近乎貪婪地反覆播放他們的每一首歌曲，無論是各種能見度不高的單曲或B-side，說不出來的寫不下來的，都讓他們任性地唱著唱著唱著，持續期望在某一個未知國度裡渴望救贖，如同某種希望，即便他們提早解散了。
即便故事提早結束了。

"Left"是我那天出門前最後聽的一首歌。
一個半小時之後，我彷彿便掉進歌曲漩渦，從此只能活在另外一個未知國度，離所有人事物那麼地遙遠。


到目前為止，感覺自己過得很非現實。
不，我並非逃避現實地活著，或者應該說，現實得太過非現實。
騙人的吧。那些確實在眼前上演、如同電影裡為了賺人熱淚才有的情節，那麼地戲劇化、戲劇化地那麼寫實。而我完全不曾對任何人敘述過那些畫面，甚至倔強地沒有撥打任何電話設法傾瀉我的空白，那些大規模的空白，令人感到孤獨得像是淋著一場不會結束的雨。
或許我總是記得隔天早上收拾行李時，窗外的陰雨。
前一天還是好天氣呢，我說，我說天氣這麼好我們回家好不好。
妳甚至捨不得閉上眼。


won't you take me on?
take me by the hand now?
(won't you help me, ah help me crawl along now?)
it's been a long, long time
since I stepped outside and saw your morning sun...


而這段日子過得太過安靜。
安靜到有時候我會懷疑一切都沒有發生過。而我們作息如常，似乎也不曾有人擔心接下來我們會怎麼過日子，儘管我們確實也已經過了需要旁人擔心的年紀，也沒有因此逃避設想規劃未來的重要性，沒有可抱怨的，只是偶爾不免感到人情冷暖，然後一笑置之。
我們就在以這個房子為中心而運轉的私有星球繼續前進，維持著原有的模樣，正常得太過不正常，現實得太過非現實。
我們都獲得了自由。
以失去驕縱的自由交換而來的。


以及生命中那些總是與離別有關的許多個，11月。


So I'm waiting for this test to end
So these lighter days can soon begin
I'll be alone but maybe more carefree
Like a kite that floats so effortlessly

I was afraid to be alone
Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be
All these faces none the same
How can there be so many personalities

So many lifeless empty hands
So many hearts in great demand
And now my sorrow seems so far away
Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain

But I turn them off and tuck them away
'till these rainy days that make them stay
And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs
And the words still ring, once here now gone

And they echo through my head everyday
And I don't think they'll ever go away
Just like thinking of your childhood home
But we cant go back we're on our own

But i'm about to give this one more shot
And find it in myself
I'll find it in myself

So we're speeding towards that time of year
To the day that marks that you're not here
And i think I'll want to be alone
So please understand if I don't answer the phone

I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls
Until I can see nothing at all
Only particles some fast some slow
All my eyes can see is all I know

But I'm about to give this one more shot
And find it in myself
I'll find it in myself